I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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