Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize