okay pat passed out under dana's car
He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
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