i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
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