Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
