Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
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What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
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I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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