I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
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Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
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Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf