and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
