I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Randomize
