Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
Randomize
