i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
Randomize
