Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
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