you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
Crop dusting thru forever 21
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