I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
Randomize
