First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
