I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Randomize
