Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
