i was rollin on her like bob the builder
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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