On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
Randomize
