Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
On this egg donor form, it asks "In the past 5 years, have you had sex for drugs or money?" It only gives a yes or no option and no place to explain myself. What do I do?
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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