i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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