ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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