I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
They are going to name an STD after you.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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