There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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