she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Randomize
