If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize
