At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
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