I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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