can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Randomize
