i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
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