I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Barsexuality is the new black.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Randomize
