Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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