i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
