hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Randomize
