sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
