you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Randomize
