I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Randomize