I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
