this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
