There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
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