u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
Randomize
