your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
But what if there are 6 people and they end up just pairing the off into 3 couples. Is it still an orgy?
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Randomize
