my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Randomize
