I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Soap is not a condiment
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Randomize
