Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
Randomize
