it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
