i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
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I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
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Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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