I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
