Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
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