Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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