i would punch a child for taco bell
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Randomize
