the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
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