I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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