and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
