help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
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