I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Randomize
