I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
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